FDA Enters the Fashion Industry (Satire)

by Heidi Stevenson

13 October 2009

In a surprise move stunning the high fashion world, the FDA has made its first foray into haute couture. Combining the best of style with its policy of taking control of anything that makes a health claim, the FDA has combined forces with Japanese menswear company, Haruyama Trading, in a tour-de-force: a stylish men's suit that prevents swine flu.

According to the FDA, anything for which a medical claim is made is a drug. On that basis, the FDA told General Mills that it must stop selling Cheerios. In reference to claims that Cheerios lowers cholesterol, the FDA sent a later stating, "Because of these intended uses, the product is a drug."⁽¹⁾

This surprise move clearly demonstrates the FDA's foresight. FDA's Commissioner, Margaret A. Hamburg, MD, was forthright in her comments about the agency's future direction:

In the recent revamping of FDA policy, we realized that the lack of public outcry in our move to control Cheerios as a drug opened the way for the vigorous pursuit of taking over a wide array of industries. Haruyama Trading's blatant claim that their suit can prevent the flu was obviously an invitation to partner with them. It has been a pleasure dealing with their management team to arrange the introduction of these brilliant products into the American marketplace. We're currently working with legal teams to smoothly coordinate the absorption of Haruyama into the FDA.

Head designer of Christian Dior, John Galliano, expressed his dismay at his disastrous ready-to-wear fashion show last week. "It was difficult to bear the groans of the press and buyers, but that was nothing compared to the powerful statement of the Flu Suits. I may have to fold Dior in the face of such competition."

The FDA has fast-tracked the product through approval. Studies, being treated as proprietary and therefore not available for public perusal, have demonstrated both its efficacy and safety. The CDC (Centers for Disease Control), in a ploy to partake of the potential profits, is cooperating by providing the public information and has agreed not to divulge proprietary information.

The suits will continue selling under the name of Haruyama, who will also continue to manufacture them, as they already have a stock of 50,000. The price is $580 (£365) and they come in four colors: gray, charcoal, navy, and gray pinstripe. They are coated with the antiviral agent, titanium dioxide.

They are expected to sell like hotcakes, with marketing outlets expanded from the traditional clothing and department stores to drugstores, and if over-the-counter approval is gained, which the FDA has hinted is likely, they will become available in supermarkets, too. As the FDA's Hamburg stated, "The sky's the limit."

Hamburg says that she will not directly profit from drug suit sales, but does have stock options. Rumor has it that she is availing herself of the maximum allowable under her contract. When asked what the next takeover industry will be, Hamburg said, "Well, we're taking a hard look at the pet industry. Claims that they provide health benefits to people in nursing homes and those who live alone clearly put the family pet under the purvue of the FDA."